Ramble,ramble…

Sometimes, I get so lost inside my head I forget that I am worthy of the things I want. I have been told for so long that I wasn’t that it still echoes every time I consider it. This has been on my mind alot lately. I know it is because I am starting to achieve the goals I have had for a long while.

The only one that I have been shying away from is love. You know, the real deal kind of love. The rest of my life kinda love. I turned 47 this year. I have been divorced for 11 almost 12 years. I was in a LTR for 7 years, and have spent the last 3 single. Pandemic didn’t help any. but that aside, it wasn’t like I was chatting it up with anyone. I had a few people hit on me, but that’s about it.

It’s been somewhat of an educational introspective into myself. All the things I allowed, all the things that became boundaries. I have learned alot about me, and I have fallen in love with me.

This full moon has hit me real hard in the emotions the last few days, so I think its time to throw it out there to the Universe, and see what happens.

I feel my goals wanting to shift and I don’t think I am going to fight it. I want to see places that have been in my dreams, and I have only a little amount of time on this rock. The youngest spawns will be adults in 5 years, so that gives me a little bit of time to make something of what I want into something that I have.

I have some opportunities starting to emerge, and I can’t be afraid of being successful anymore.

Real talk…

I had a package of graham crakers for dinner,dishes are piled in the sink because I have no will to do them.

I have only used my voice a few times today,faking a few laughs so no one asks me how’s things.head buried in c.o.c. because it keeps me breathing and that’s good,right?

That whole breathing thing? This is where I am right now. Reminding myself that breathing is good.

My depression always hits me in waves like this,sneaks up on me and drowns me in sadness. I was feeling pretty good by my standards yesterday and boom. Not so much today. But then again it was only just the other day that I was feeling like this,but it was the tired aspect.

Being aware of your mental state is often a good thing,but being aware of it and being able to do anything about it are completely different.

Oh look, it’s another ramble…

I have been wanting to just kinda get this out of my head, but sometimes it is so hard to let it go because I have been trained to think from an early age that I shouldn’t complain about my life. Now understand that the lessons were not always done in the easiest or most kind of ways, so it has taken me along time to be able to learn how to just vent it out, that it is okay to do that and it’s even needed.

So here is where you can bail out now because I am gonna release a portion of the shit sandwich that I have cooking in my head.

But I am tired y’all, I am tired off so much.
I am tired of worrying about how I am gonna keep up with the house now that I fought like hell to get it. I got the house that I did so that I could stay close to a place I hold dear to me, and now I am unsure I will be able to go and be there.
It was also to be near the younger spawn. The oldest spawn lives with me, and although he is an adult, he is also not. As many of you know the healthcare system in this country is shit and he needs to get a diagnosis for the Autism and other things. I realized a while back that I would probably have to be his caregiver for the rest of my life. He can not navigate the world at all on his own. He wants to and I want to help him get there, but we still have a long road to go to make it a reality.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son.
But I am tired. I have been doing this shit for so long now.

I am tired of having to beat the hell out of my body to work for just enough money to barely squeak by every paycheck. This week I think is cutting it super fucking close.
Because I don’t really know how long I will be able to keep doing this to myself. I have PCS(Pelvic Congestion Syndrome) which boils down to having varicose veins in my pelvic region, it affects how long I can stand on my feet, move and sometimes even walk because the pain is so much. Is there treatment? Sorta, multiple surgeries to cauterize the veins, at the easiest end, total hysterectomy and surgery to still cauterize the veins at the worse case end. I am currently taking a hormone to help keep the swelling and pain down and over the counter pain meds, weed, and sometimes wine to help with pain management because that’s it. I can’t afford to take the time off of work for anything else other than managing it. Surgeries would put me out for a month minimum. I don’t know anyone personally that can take time off work like that.
How am I supposed to keep an income when all I have ever done is physical labor of some kind. This is something that will go away easy or quickly, it may after my body stops producing the hormones that trigger it all.

It’s all just so much sometimes, and I am tired.
Am I gonna quit trying to do all the things, quit being the caregiver, quit trying to make my life the way I want to live it?

Not on your fucking life.
I got this, but sometimes you just have to admit when your tired.

Rambles it is…

I keep thinking I need to do this more often and I can see from my dash that I have not done that in the slightest. Life has been…well it has been really good and weirdly bad, and so many other things that I can’t even begin to figure out how to get them all out. It’s been a lot of relearning things, and learning new things.

I keep getting tripped up on the idea that somehow or another, all of the things I have been able to do and achieve are just going to fucking vanish, like nothing. Not that aspect of gone long after I have taken the next road, but here and now. I know it’s my anxiety brain messing with me because of all the new things that I do worry about losing.
You know, all that stuff that I was always told I would never have or get for myself. That I would never be anything.

Yeah, THAT stuff.

But I got this.

I am going to be migrating some of my poetry over from Instagram because it has not made its way here. Having conversations with daydreams has made me realize that I still do have a great passion for the words of poetry and that I really should continue down that path.

Long time…

Its been awhile since I was here last. A lot has changed for me.

I am no longer a sheltered homeless person living in my camper. I have managed to buy a house and am currently trying my damnedest to get all the things unpacked. It’s sorta going well.

I have so many things on my mind and so many things to just word vomit and you will probably see a lot of that from me for a while as I desperately try to get my writers brain going again.

I have added an Art page for all the future art pieces I will be working on. Beaded spiders and sun-catchers and fiber art are gonna make a feature. Plus all the fan art that will happen because I am obsessed with the Wheel of Time, both the books and the new show!

Any who. thanks for stopping in and reading.
P.S. Have a giant pic of my face…I have a rather large learning curve to figure out all the ways to resize things and make this easier for me to do.

Three Days

That ache that I had on Monday turned into panic attack while driving home after work. It was all l could do to keep myself in enough control to get us home. Once there I buried myself inside another book,because its the best coping mechanism I have. It has taken till today to wake up with out my chest feeling tight and not having to repeat the mantra of “there is no tiger” because that’s how it feels. Like there is predator watching me always.

It’s not altogether gone yet but today I can breath a bit more. I h ave also firmly decided that I am going to take the FB app off my phone, at least off the screen. I can’t delete the app because I have my writing and art pages there that I share to from my Insta and from here.

I know the world is shit right now, and I can’t deal with it in my face on a regular. I feel it everyday and see it in the eyes of everyone around around me. Everyone talks about the world ending and appocolyse, but for all its bravado it’s just change.

I am ready for change, like death I do not fear it.

Anxiety

It begins with my chest getting too tight to breath,aching and lost. Trying to shake out my hands as if it can shake away the fear. The rocking side to side and back and forth has started. I can’t do anything else to help it..I am stuck at work because i need the money to survive.

But what the fuck am I tryung to survive for?

Rambles in a time of covid…

It’s been too long since I had any rambles and word vomit. It’s all been swimming inside my head and we all know that is not a good place for it to be. I think that this pandemic has made so many of us take a giant look at ourselves and given the circumstances that have happened, given us way too much time to reflect on it.

The shelter in place order happened for my state late March.. just a few days before my birthday. Turned 45 during the Pandemic.
fun times fun times.
I have had a interesting time of it, if interesting can also include some massive disassociation, depression, and crushing loneliness.

I have been working during the whole thing,being considered an essential worker, and it has given me a good chance to see how the rest of the little part of the world I live in has been dealing with it as well. IT makes me sad, the lack of sympathy and empathy that so many have for anyone else. I have seen so much selfishness it makes me physically ill some days. I just can’t with most of humanity right now.

I hate that I feel this way about the world.
I don’t want to feel this way, I am lonely for connection,lonely for passion, and just lonely.
I am having a hard time seeing anything worth having coming out of this. I can’t see the future strands of the pattern because it is so very dark right now.
No way to make plans for the future,because with the fall of our society,and it is falling, how can plan and make a future for myself and my children?
It scares me to death that so many places want to send the kids back into school this fall, including the one my kids go to. How do you ease their fears about getting sick, what happens if they do? What happens if they get infected and become a carrier? I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know where to begin with any of it and all I have been able to do is get lost inside other peoples words and live inside of a story from someone else because mine is just to much to be left inside in.

I hope you all stay safe and well. I have been lighting candles for the world and will continue to do so.

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