Holding back

From reaching out first,the way I always do. From seeking a space inside of a lovers arms, they all turn too cold to stay there anyway.

But I want to know you.

I want to feel you.

And this distance seems to far to cross.

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Rambles on a Monday…

Here I am sitting in this too humid for the last day of September night, having had my meal of a small pizza. Serving size 1. Sipping on some red wine and thinking its about fucking time I did a rambling free write.
I haven’t in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
This whole year has been so much of “a lot going on”, that I am not sure I will know how to react when I don’t have it there anymore. But that’s the goal right? Get to a place where you are just living your life on a day to day. Wake up, have coffee,decide what you will create that day, and just do that. I know its the place I want to get to. But I also know that for right now, I have to keep doing what I am doing. I have to keep the “day job” so I can actually exist, to do things like have food and internet.
I don’t really want a whole lot in this life. Enough land to have my greenhouse and gardens, a small cottage type house for all my books with studio for art and a kick ass kitchen. I am already living in a camper so small is good with me.

I just want to have that feeling of peace that I used to get when I was wrapped inside someones arms,except I want it to be my own arms that give it now. I deserve that. I have earned that.

I feel like I am wading into a sea of forgotten feelings, all those things that I closed the door to because letting them in just made it hurt more when they went away. A sailor in the crows nest looking down at the ship floating inside of the universe, and I am caught by the beauty of what it can be. I have found myself becoming a bit jaded about the aspect of a partner in this life, and moments like that make me wonder just how thick my walls have gotten this time.

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©July 2019 Fern Renee Photography

Remind me…

Tell me again that
there are stars hidden
inside my eyes, that
eternity can be found
lost among my lips.

The memory of your
touch fades into
shadows that no
longer grace my presence,
your voice lost inside
the winds~

~Fern Renee~
©2019

Lesson

Struggling…

I don’t know how

to not see your

face,drifting to sleep

inside a space I hold alone.

Pray

Raindrop memories

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