Three Days

That ache that I had on Monday turned into panic attack while driving home after work. It was all l could do to keep myself in enough control to get us home. Once there I buried myself inside another book,because its the best coping mechanism I have. It has taken till today to wake up with out my chest feeling tight and not having to repeat the mantra of “there is no tiger” because that’s how it feels. Like there is predator watching me always.

It’s not altogether gone yet but today I can breath a bit more. I h ave also firmly decided that I am going to take the FB app off my phone, at least off the screen. I can’t delete the app because I have my writing and art pages there that I share to from my Insta and from here.

I know the world is shit right now, and I can’t deal with it in my face on a regular. I feel it everyday and see it in the eyes of everyone around around me. Everyone talks about the world ending and appocolyse, but for all its bravado it’s just change.

I am ready for change, like death I do not fear it.

Anxiety

It begins with my chest getting too tight to breath,aching and lost. Trying to shake out my hands as if it can shake away the fear. The rocking side to side and back and forth has started. I can’t do anything else to help it..I am stuck at work because i need the money to survive.

But what the fuck am I tryung to survive for?

Rambles in a time of covid…

It’s been too long since I had any rambles and word vomit. It’s all been swimming inside my head and we all know that is not a good place for it to be. I think that this pandemic has made so many of us take a giant look at ourselves and given the circumstances that have happened, given us way too much time to reflect on it.

The shelter in place order happened for my state late March.. just a few days before my birthday. Turned 45 during the Pandemic.
fun times fun times.
I have had a interesting time of it, if interesting can also include some massive disassociation, depression, and crushing loneliness.

I have been working during the whole thing,being considered an essential worker, and it has given me a good chance to see how the rest of the little part of the world I live in has been dealing with it as well. IT makes me sad, the lack of sympathy and empathy that so many have for anyone else. I have seen so much selfishness it makes me physically ill some days. I just can’t with most of humanity right now.

I hate that I feel this way about the world.
I don’t want to feel this way, I am lonely for connection,lonely for passion, and just lonely.
I am having a hard time seeing anything worth having coming out of this. I can’t see the future strands of the pattern because it is so very dark right now.
No way to make plans for the future,because with the fall of our society,and it is falling, how can plan and make a future for myself and my children?
It scares me to death that so many places want to send the kids back into school this fall, including the one my kids go to. How do you ease their fears about getting sick, what happens if they do? What happens if they get infected and become a carrier? I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know where to begin with any of it and all I have been able to do is get lost inside other peoples words and live inside of a story from someone else because mine is just to much to be left inside in.

I hope you all stay safe and well. I have been lighting candles for the world and will continue to do so.

Undone…

Tangled on the edge
of what dreams may
come to pass,
I want to
grasp ahold of just one…
Where a smile lights
my soul on fire
and a kiss
fans the flames…
I want to burn
down all the husks
of what used to be
me, so that I can
walk from the ashes
whole~

Holding back

From reaching out first,the way I always do. From seeking a space inside of a lovers arms, they all turn too cold to stay there anyway.

But I want to know you.

I want to feel you.

And this distance seems to far to cross.

Rambles on a Monday…

Here I am sitting in this too humid for the last day of September night, having had my meal of a small pizza. Serving size 1. Sipping on some red wine and thinking its about fucking time I did a rambling free write.
I haven’t in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
This whole year has been so much of “a lot going on”, that I am not sure I will know how to react when I don’t have it there anymore. But that’s the goal right? Get to a place where you are just living your life on a day to day. Wake up, have coffee,decide what you will create that day, and just do that. I know its the place I want to get to. But I also know that for right now, I have to keep doing what I am doing. I have to keep the “day job” so I can actually exist, to do things like have food and internet.
I don’t really want a whole lot in this life. Enough land to have my greenhouse and gardens, a small cottage type house for all my books with studio for art and a kick ass kitchen. I am already living in a camper so small is good with me.

I just want to have that feeling of peace that I used to get when I was wrapped inside someones arms,except I want it to be my own arms that give it now. I deserve that. I have earned that.

I feel like I am wading into a sea of forgotten feelings, all those things that I closed the door to because letting them in just made it hurt more when they went away. A sailor in the crows nest looking down at the ship floating inside of the universe, and I am caught by the beauty of what it can be. I have found myself becoming a bit jaded about the aspect of a partner in this life, and moments like that make me wonder just how thick my walls have gotten this time.

20190713_085758-EFFECTS

©July 2019 Fern Renee Photography

Remind me…

Tell me again that
there are stars hidden
inside my eyes, that
eternity can be found
lost among my lips.

The memory of your
touch fades into
shadows that no
longer grace my presence,
your voice lost inside
the winds~

~Fern Renee~
©2019

Lesson

Struggling…

I don’t know how

to not see your

face,drifting to sleep

inside a space I hold alone.

Pray

Previous Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: