Rambles on a Monday…

Here I am sitting in this too humid for the last day of September night, having had my meal of a small pizza. Serving size 1. Sipping on some red wine and thinking its about fucking time I did a rambling free write.
I haven’t in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
This whole year has been so much of “a lot going on”, that I am not sure I will know how to react when I don’t have it there anymore. But that’s the goal right? Get to a place where you are just living your life on a day to day. Wake up, have coffee,decide what you will create that day, and just do that. I know its the place I want to get to. But I also know that for right now, I have to keep doing what I am doing. I have to keep the “day job” so I can actually exist, to do things like have food and internet.
I don’t really want a whole lot in this life. Enough land to have my greenhouse and gardens, a small cottage type house for all my books with studio for art and a kick ass kitchen. I am already living in a camper so small is good with me.

I just want to have that feeling of peace that I used to get when I was wrapped inside someones arms,except I want it to be my own arms that give it now. I deserve that. I have earned that.

I feel like I am wading into a sea of forgotten feelings, all those things that I closed the door to because letting them in just made it hurt more when they went away. A sailor in the crows nest looking down at the ship floating inside of the universe, and I am caught by the beauty of what it can be. I have found myself becoming a bit jaded about the aspect of a partner in this life, and moments like that make me wonder just how thick my walls have gotten this time.

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©July 2019 Fern Renee Photography

Struggling…

I don’t know how

to not see your

face,drifting to sleep

inside a space I hold alone.

Just a moment of your time..

It is so much harder today trying to get myself going. There is sunshine and I want to go stand in it but can’t seem to pull myself out of the darkness. I know you wll probaby never read these things I pour out,spilling them over the place that you held sway. All I every really wanted was your time, that all the other things would come in waves that I could ride out and embrace. But it seems that your time was the only thing you could not give, so I have stopped asking for it, and now even your words are hard to find.

Drowning

I am here again,drowning my thoughts in music. Blasting at levels that keep conversations at bay. My brain is not always the nice place that I wish it could be. Focus on the words of others letting the melodies of beat and time move me through and inbetween the cracks in my soul.

I have been cutting emotinal cords these days and sometimes I want to cut the one to my self. Then the beat changes and I move aling again and have time to breath.

1.13.2018

I keep thinking
that if I say just
the right things
you will feel
how far and long
my scars run,
and you will
see that my
compassion is
deeper than
oceans across
the moon-

Forewarned

Here they come, the ever flowing stream of thoughts, and words and often unvoiced cries. Pulling the fingers to keys and pens,crayons or even the blood from broken fingernails. anything to get them out, to let them go outside the space they are in before they become the vibrations of power, the spoken sound of magic.

There is power in words, let us not be unaware

so much and yet so little

there is so much on the brain and yet few words seem to make it out of my head onto a page or into a photograph.

but I am on the mend of fixing that, and will be back soon with words and things, and I hope a chapbook or two.

 

owl dance

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©Fern Photography 2016

 

rock and sway
to the beat of
the sun, little
owl dance
under warmth
and shine
spin and watch
the frost melt
and fly-

Monday again….

It always happens, Monday. Today’s Monday is as grey as the last one but with out the rain,and a touch colder. It was supposed to snow here this week, but this being Indiana and all, they changed the outlook again. Because as the saying goes “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes, it will change.”
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I was born here, moved around alot as a kid, but have lived my entire adult life in Indiana, ether here closer to central Indiana, or down south in Evansville, which is where I was born. It can be a beautiful place sometimes, and the spot I have found most recently is absolutely magical.

But I linger here and I need to go feed  and water all the things. I have thoughts and words from the Krampus night that I want to share, but that will have to be for a post later today maybe.

Anywho, time to go out in the aforementioned cold and take a walk.

 

 

 

such things

sometimes I wonder
such things,
left to the wilds
of north wind imagination,
such things,
grow into great things,
if only we took care
to help them flourish-img_5516
©Fern Photography

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