Rambles on a Monday…

Here I am sitting in this too humid for the last day of September night, having had my meal of a small pizza. Serving size 1. Sipping on some red wine and thinking its about fucking time I did a rambling free write.
I haven’t in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
This whole year has been so much of “a lot going on”, that I am not sure I will know how to react when I don’t have it there anymore. But that’s the goal right? Get to a place where you are just living your life on a day to day. Wake up, have coffee,decide what you will create that day, and just do that. I know its the place I want to get to. But I also know that for right now, I have to keep doing what I am doing. I have to keep the “day job” so I can actually exist, to do things like have food and internet.
I don’t really want a whole lot in this life. Enough land to have my greenhouse and gardens, a small cottage type house for all my books with studio for art and a kick ass kitchen. I am already living in a camper so small is good with me.

I just want to have that feeling of peace that I used to get when I was wrapped inside someones arms,except I want it to be my own arms that give it now. I deserve that. I have earned that.

I feel like I am wading into a sea of forgotten feelings, all those things that I closed the door to because letting them in just made it hurt more when they went away. A sailor in the crows nest looking down at the ship floating inside of the universe, and I am caught by the beauty of what it can be. I have found myself becoming a bit jaded about the aspect of a partner in this life, and moments like that make me wonder just how thick my walls have gotten this time.

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©July 2019 Fern Renee Photography

Crash

Veiled

Friday…

Spent doing what all 40 somethings do..binge watching Buffy and drinking alone.. Or at least that is what I am doing..not that it really matters much to anyone. I tend to push most away,or it seems that way. I have a tendency to shine a light into peoples dark and they dont ever like what they see so they close their eyes and turn away. But I still stand here with my light alone as I always will be.

Just a moment of your time..

It is so much harder today trying to get myself going. There is sunshine and I want to go stand in it but can’t seem to pull myself out of the darkness. I know you wll probaby never read these things I pour out,spilling them over the place that you held sway. All I every really wanted was your time, that all the other things would come in waves that I could ride out and embrace. But it seems that your time was the only thing you could not give, so I have stopped asking for it, and now even your words are hard to find.

Wine and Rambles..

You always hear “go back to the begining and start over” when ever you mess up on something, but the thing is with life is you can’t ever really go back. You have to move forward.

So here I am doing things as back to basics as I can get right now. Rambles typed out on a blank screen to send out into the nothing of the cloud. But here is where I can start to breath again and maybe this time keep breathig just for me.

Although life has me pretty jaded about alot of things in the Verse. But I have always told people that if they want to get to know who I am, then read my words. This is me, about as real as I will be most of the time, then I stop speaking, I stop sharing. I have been in this place before, found my voice and found someone to share it with… but I always get quiet when my thoughts are poured into others.

This is here I will remind myself that I should pour these thoughts out fo myself as well. So if your still reading.. thanks.. and be warned this space wil be spammed with all that is me.

The break..

I took part in a prison break today. My own escape from the walls of my house into the world at large.

My first stop was the doctor’s office where they shot xrays at my leg and said looks good! So now I can wear actual shoes! On both feet even! I know, I know..crazy exciting stuff here. My life is filled with these sorts of things.

But after that it was stopping to get provisions for the return trip and future exile back in the place of home. Food,wine, and a few seasons of some shows from the library.

I am ready for a real break..a break out of this place and out of the life I have been living.

As soon as I get my wheels…this bitch is gone!

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