Rambles on a Monday…

Here I am sitting in this too humid for the last day of September night, having had my meal of a small pizza. Serving size 1. Sipping on some red wine and thinking its about fucking time I did a rambling free write.
I haven’t in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
This whole year has been so much of “a lot going on”, that I am not sure I will know how to react when I don’t have it there anymore. But that’s the goal right? Get to a place where you are just living your life on a day to day. Wake up, have coffee,decide what you will create that day, and just do that. I know its the place I want to get to. But I also know that for right now, I have to keep doing what I am doing. I have to keep the “day job” so I can actually exist, to do things like have food and internet.
I don’t really want a whole lot in this life. Enough land to have my greenhouse and gardens, a small cottage type house for all my books with studio for art and a kick ass kitchen. I am already living in a camper so small is good with me.

I just want to have that feeling of peace that I used to get when I was wrapped inside someones arms,except I want it to be my own arms that give it now. I deserve that. I have earned that.

I feel like I am wading into a sea of forgotten feelings, all those things that I closed the door to because letting them in just made it hurt more when they went away. A sailor in the crows nest looking down at the ship floating inside of the universe, and I am caught by the beauty of what it can be. I have found myself becoming a bit jaded about the aspect of a partner in this life, and moments like that make me wonder just how thick my walls have gotten this time.

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©July 2019 Fern Renee Photography

Veiled

Got lost..

Somewhere along the way of tryin to find the place where my shadows live and where I am suposed to live with them. You see you can’t just wish that the dark parts of you were not there. You have to learn where they came from and then learn to dance with them. To dance with them means to take the lead, they follow your steps and you find a balance. Though there are times when the music falters and the beat goes astray. That is where I have been, lost in the missed beat and trying to find my footing again.

The dark got really dark this time, the more I tried to find my feet the futher I fell into it. All I wanted was to not wake up, to not cry at every little thing, to just for once..to not be strong.

I had grown tired of being strong, grown tired of being the rock,being the pillar. All I wanted was to be held so that I could break apart and still be able to find all of my pieces again.

So I got lost along the way and fell apart alone. I am gathering them back to me one fragment at a time, all the little bits of me that I still hold.

Maybe one day I will find the pieces I left in other people while trying to find the path.

I hope they know…

I want me back.

The break..

I took part in a prison break today. My own escape from the walls of my house into the world at large.

My first stop was the doctor’s office where they shot xrays at my leg and said looks good! So now I can wear actual shoes! On both feet even! I know, I know..crazy exciting stuff here. My life is filled with these sorts of things.

But after that it was stopping to get provisions for the return trip and future exile back in the place of home. Food,wine, and a few seasons of some shows from the library.

I am ready for a real break..a break out of this place and out of the life I have been living.

As soon as I get my wheels…this bitch is gone!

Somedays…

I tell myself in the mirror sometimes..

“You’re a hotty…but today.. You’re a frizzy haired witch in plaid. Still hot though..<3”

Letting go…

This is hard. Not talking to you like I did before. How many times have I picked up my phone to text you something and I have to stop myself, I’ve lost track so far.

It will get easier I know, being able to be in the same space as you without needing to touch your skin or breath in the scent of you.

I don’t like letting go. I don’t like leaving love behind…

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