Three Days

That ache that I had on Monday turned into panic attack while driving home after work. It was all l could do to keep myself in enough control to get us home. Once there I buried myself inside another book,because its the best coping mechanism I have. It has taken till today to wake up with out my chest feeling tight and not having to repeat the mantra of “there is no tiger” because that’s how it feels. Like there is predator watching me always.

It’s not altogether gone yet but today I can breath a bit more. I h ave also firmly decided that I am going to take the FB app off my phone, at least off the screen. I can’t delete the app because I have my writing and art pages there that I share to from my Insta and from here.

I know the world is shit right now, and I can’t deal with it in my face on a regular. I feel it everyday and see it in the eyes of everyone around around me. Everyone talks about the world ending and appocolyse, but for all its bravado it’s just change.

I am ready for change, like death I do not fear it.


Tangled on the edge
of what dreams may
come to pass,
I want to
grasp ahold of just one…
Where a smile lights
my soul on fire
and a kiss
fans the flames…
I want to burn
down all the husks
of what used to be
me, so that I can
walk from the ashes

Rambles on a Monday…

Here I am sitting in this too humid for the last day of September night, having had my meal of a small pizza. Serving size 1. Sipping on some red wine and thinking its about fucking time I did a rambling free write.
I haven’t in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
This whole year has been so much of “a lot going on”, that I am not sure I will know how to react when I don’t have it there anymore. But that’s the goal right? Get to a place where you are just living your life on a day to day. Wake up, have coffee,decide what you will create that day, and just do that. I know its the place I want to get to. But I also know that for right now, I have to keep doing what I am doing. I have to keep the “day job” so I can actually exist, to do things like have food and internet.
I don’t really want a whole lot in this life. Enough land to have my greenhouse and gardens, a small cottage type house for all my books with studio for art and a kick ass kitchen. I am already living in a camper so small is good with me.

I just want to have that feeling of peace that I used to get when I was wrapped inside someones arms,except I want it to be my own arms that give it now. I deserve that. I have earned that.

I feel like I am wading into a sea of forgotten feelings, all those things that I closed the door to because letting them in just made it hurt more when they went away. A sailor in the crows nest looking down at the ship floating inside of the universe, and I am caught by the beauty of what it can be. I have found myself becoming a bit jaded about the aspect of a partner in this life, and moments like that make me wonder just how thick my walls have gotten this time.


©July 2019 Fern Renee Photography

Remind me…

Tell me again that
there are stars hidden
inside my eyes, that
eternity can be found
lost among my lips.

The memory of your
touch fades into
shadows that no
longer grace my presence,
your voice lost inside
the winds~

~Fern Renee~



I don’t know how

to not see your

face,drifting to sleep

inside a space I hold alone.

Raindrop memories




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