Friday…

Spent doing what all 40 somethings do..binge watching Buffy and drinking alone.. Or at least that is what I am doing..not that it really matters much to anyone. I tend to push most away,or it seems that way. I have a tendency to shine a light into peoples dark and they dont ever like what they see so they close their eyes and turn away. But I still stand here with my light alone as I always will be.

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Shadowspeak

If you wanted to

would you?

Would you face your own dark if I hold the light for you? When I told you I could see you,that I could see all of you,even in the dark I meant it..

I am still standing here with my light if you should ever want to look again.

Wine and Rambles..

You always hear “go back to the begining and start over” when ever you mess up on something, but the thing is with life is you can’t ever really go back. You have to move forward.

So here I am doing things as back to basics as I can get right now. Rambles typed out on a blank screen to send out into the nothing of the cloud. But here is where I can start to breath again and maybe this time keep breathig just for me.

Although life has me pretty jaded about alot of things in the Verse. But I have always told people that if they want to get to know who I am, then read my words. This is me, about as real as I will be most of the time, then I stop speaking, I stop sharing. I have been in this place before, found my voice and found someone to share it with… but I always get quiet when my thoughts are poured into others.

This is here I will remind myself that I should pour these thoughts out fo myself as well. So if your still reading.. thanks.. and be warned this space wil be spammed with all that is me.

Morning..

It’s morning, although it looks like afternoon under the grey sky. Rain again..with sleet and other bits of cold. It keeps coating me in slickness, a form of protection against the thoughts of you. It wont last longthough,it never does.

Coffee and a smoke while I get the house warm again. My thoughts are in a mad race today. I will find out if I can walk again with out help. I will leave this prison of a house and breath again for a little while.

Spring is quietly raging inside of me, demanding I let Her free and I cant seem to cut the chains fast enough. My feet crave the warm sand of my sanctuary. The bright fire and drummed heartbeats.

This winter needs to break the way it broke me.

Begin

The sun is out today, something much needed after a few days of the same grey sky where its always the same time of day day untill dark.

It’s time to begin. Again. For the last time. Funny thing is..I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I have never existed in this life without having an emotinal connection to share it with. Never lived on my own or alone before.

I am terrified and excited and sad and somewhere in all that is a little happy. I still have so much to do. I still have so much to become.

But I know I will.

Drowning

I am here again,drowning my thoughts in music. Blasting at levels that keep conversations at bay. My brain is not always the nice place that I wish it could be. Focus on the words of others letting the melodies of beat and time move me through and inbetween the cracks in my soul.

I have been cutting emotinal cords these days and sometimes I want to cut the one to my self. Then the beat changes and I move aling again and have time to breath.

1.13.2018

I keep thinking
that if I say just
the right things
you will feel
how far and long
my scars run,
and you will
see that my
compassion is
deeper than
oceans across
the moon-

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