Got lost..

Somewhere along the way of tryin to find the place where my shadows live and where I am suposed to live with them. You see you can’t just wish that the dark parts of you were not there. You have to learn where they came from and then learn to dance with them. To dance with them means to take the lead, they follow your steps and you find a balance. Though there are times when the music falters and the beat goes astray. That is where I have been, lost in the missed beat and trying to find my footing again.

The dark got really dark this time, the more I tried to find my feet the futher I fell into it. All I wanted was to not wake up, to not cry at every little thing, to just for not be strong.

I had grown tired of being strong, grown tired of being the rock,being the pillar. All I wanted was to be held so that I could break apart and still be able to find all of my pieces again.

So I got lost along the way and fell apart alone. I am gathering them back to me one fragment at a time, all the little bits of me that I still hold.

Maybe one day I will find the pieces I left in other people while trying to find the path.

I hope they know…

I want me back.


Spent doing what all 40 somethings do..binge watching Buffy and drinking alone.. Or at least that is what I am doing..not that it really matters much to anyone. I tend to push most away,or it seems that way. I have a tendency to shine a light into peoples dark and they dont ever like what they see so they close their eyes and turn away. But I still stand here with my light alone as I always will be.


If you wanted to

would you?

Would you face your own dark if I hold the light for you? When I told you I could see you,that I could see all of you,even in the dark I meant it..

I am still standing here with my light if you should ever want to look again.

Wine and Rambles..

You always hear “go back to the begining and start over” when ever you mess up on something, but the thing is with life is you can’t ever really go back. You have to move forward.

So here I am doing things as back to basics as I can get right now. Rambles typed out on a blank screen to send out into the nothing of the cloud. But here is where I can start to breath again and maybe this time keep breathig just for me.

Although life has me pretty jaded about alot of things in the Verse. But I have always told people that if they want to get to know who I am, then read my words. This is me, about as real as I will be most of the time, then I stop speaking, I stop sharing. I have been in this place before, found my voice and found someone to share it with… but I always get quiet when my thoughts are poured into others.

This is here I will remind myself that I should pour these thoughts out fo myself as well. So if your still reading.. thanks.. and be warned this space wil be spammed with all that is me.


It’s morning, although it looks like afternoon under the grey sky. Rain again..with sleet and other bits of cold. It keeps coating me in slickness, a form of protection against the thoughts of you. It wont last longthough,it never does.

Coffee and a smoke while I get the house warm again. My thoughts are in a mad race today. I will find out if I can walk again with out help. I will leave this prison of a house and breath again for a little while.

Spring is quietly raging inside of me, demanding I let Her free and I cant seem to cut the chains fast enough. My feet crave the warm sand of my sanctuary. The bright fire and drummed heartbeats.

This winter needs to break the way it broke me.

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